Monday, April 5, 2010

Due Date

When I was pregnant the first time, my mom sent me this little clock. In addition to working as a clock, you program in your due date, and it counts down the months, weeks and days. On your due date, it's supposed to play a little lullaby.

Well, I allowed myself to be induced early with J, and after a very, very long ordeal was told I had to have a c-section. I was also told I wouldn't be able to give birth any other way. And we missed hearing the lullaby.

I'm not fond of being told what I can't do. I'm even less fond of looking back and realizing how much I contributed to a bad situation.

First of all, I'll never know what I could've done last time. Because I was pumped full of chemicals for three days with no result, there's just no knowing what might have happened, had I had more patience and the gumption to say no to the doctor. Looking back, as tired as I was of being pregnant and as anxious as I was to have J in my arms, how hard would it have been to wait a little bit - even just until my due date? When you take out all the scare tactics my doctor at the time used, there really was no reason at all to try to force J out. I was just impatient. And selfish. I wanted it to happen on my schedule and my doctor wanted it to happen on hers. Neither of us gave a thought to J's schedule or my body's ideas on timing.

I recovered, got on with the business of mothering, and I kept the little clock. When I got pregnant this time, I programmed in my new "due date". I also decided, with my new doctor that I would be patient this time - see if the baby would come on her own. There's an increased risk, because of the mess that was made of my first delivery, so I can't let it go on forever. I wanted to wait a few weeks, but given the risk, my doctor is only comfortable with a certain amount of time "post dates", so we worked out a compromise: if V doesn't come on her own by this Friday, we'll have another c-section, and we'll rejoice at another baby. I feel very peaceful about that.

As James and I lay sleeping last night, we were suddenly awakened by a very loud, piercing sound. On further groggy, mystified listening, we realized it was a lullaby. It took me almost a minute to realize what in the world was going on...and then I laughed, because sure enough, it was my little clock. It was midnight. On my due date! It may seem silly, but making it this far, after being told I "can't" feels like a little victory to me. And even if I don't get my opportunity to see what a natural birth is like, at least I didn't rush it this time. At least I'm giving it a chance. Because really, even with all the discomfort of pregnancy and my impatience to meet my daughter face-to-face, what's a few more days?

Besides, compared to V's whole lifetime, this tiny bit of waiting is just the blink of an eye.

I mean, just yesterday, we were bringing this home from the hospital.

And now look at him!


Becca B said...

I'm so happy that you get the chance to do it without a c-section! How exciting!! I too didn't have such a hot first pregnancy and LMH doesn't allow VBACs so it was a no go for me...

One of the things that helped was the thought that BIRTH is NATURAL whether is is vaginal or c-section or thru your nose having is a baby is the nature part--so no matter what you are going to be "natural!" :)

Can't wait to hear how things are going!! Good luck and PUT YOUR FEET UP!!

Geneva said...

Thanks! And you're right, it's the baby coming that's important. I just feel like I had a part in cheating myself last time of something that was important to me, so I wanted to wait and see how things might unfold this time. I won't be depressed if it's another c-section, but if I hadn't tried, I'd have wondered forever.

Jaimey said...

I am so proud of you for taking a stand and finding a new dr and possibly attempting a Vbac. Either way, you will have a gorgeous little girl in less than a week! :)